My condoms tucked into the arms of an Optimus Prime

Question: My new girlfriend has issues with where I store my prophylactics. That is, tucked into the arms of an Optimus Prime action figure on my bedside table. You know, Optimus Prime - the most awesome Transformer ever. I think she finds it juvenile - but isn't sex supposed to be fun? Toys are fun.

Answer: Has it occurred to you that she might not be flattered by the fact that you are displaying your condoms as a proud symbol of your promiscuity? Would you feel romantic about someone who advertises a revolving-door bedroom policy? Would you sleep with a girl who decorated her room like some kind of weirdly themed Nevada brothel?

So my first advice is to hide the condoms in a drawer beside the bed.

But there's something else to consider here too. It could be the fact that you still have an opinion as to which was "the most awesome Transformer ever" that's giving her doubts.

Think of how you look to her with this gesture: like someone who is a little too proud of being old enough to have sex with women - proud enough to boast about it - but not old enough to recognize that his childhood toys may not seem quite as "fun" to other grownups.

Should you change? Should you remove your goofy toy and try to be more mature? Of course not. If she loves you, she loves you for your innocence and your wonder - for all this goofiness.

Green Sex Toys - Make love without shagging the planet

During the past few weeks, eco sex guides and debates - promoted by Greenpeace and green website treehugger.com - have had the ethically minded in a flap about the extent to which the fate of the planet lies not only in their hands but also in their undergarments. The undies, it's generally accepted, should be made from hemp, but arguments rage over the environmental friendliness of what might happen were such garments to be cast to the carpet.

Some say that sexual intimacy is acceptable if the lights are dimmed, others advocate burning soy-wax candles in the eco boudoir. Others insist - to the chagrin of lovers in the Arctic - that intimacy occur during daylight, or otherwise in the pitch black of night. Many approve of solar-powered sex gadgets, yet sex-toy company LoveHoney admits sales haven't exactly gone through the roof and are now offering two for the price of one, which some consider unsustainable.

Some warriors of 'super-green sex', or 'carnal carbon-neutral living', are espousing IUDs (the contraceptives with the least packaging), vasectomies, no procreation, or even single bamboo beds. Others promote Al Gore's film ('Hot!') as a mood-setter for an evening involving organic lubricants and 'vegan condoms' made with cocoa powder, yet may then pause, in the throes of passion, to consider the environmental impact of the cocoa industry. While some promote taking baths together as environmentally desirable, others feel that only brief joint showers are truly acceptable. Some warn friends and acquaintances to avoid making love in the garden 'until it is entirely pesticide-free'. Then others announce that they'd only wish their rump to be 'struck by a paddle' if made from sustainably harvested timber.