Sex toys that show your team spirit

Of course, the world’s corporations wanted a piece of the most popular sporting event on the planet, the World Cup of soccer, now being contested in Germany. Big name sponsors like Philips, MasterCard and Budweiser are there and you can buy all kinds of licensed products like colorful hats and scarves — the Euro-version of our big foam “Number 1” hand.

One endorsement deal that wasn't, however, made news a few weeks ago. It seems the German sex shop chain, Beate Uhse came out with Ollie K and Michael B vibrators and a David B dildo. To anyone who knows soccer, it appeared as if stars Oliver Khan, Michael Ballack and David Beckham had lent their names to a line of sex toys.

They hadn’t. After a minor blitz of publicity and a threat of a lawsuit, Beate Uhse dropped the names.

But fear not! The World Cup has still generated a new phenomenon in sports — one we’ll probably see linked to every major international event from now on — the sex product tie-in. And why not? If Viagra can sponsor a NASCAR team, why can’t, say, Manchester United sign off on love balls?

The love balls, used for vaginal stimulation, are out there, shaped like little soccer balls and available from a variety of European and Latin American sex shops. You can buy them for 60 reals in Brazil, and about 5 euros in Italy, Holland, the UK and Germany.

Never want to be too far away from soccer strategy, no matter what else you may be doing? How about the Dolly Dolphin Football edition vibrator selling from at least one German sex shop for 49.80 euros. The Xs and Os and lines of player movements are inscribed along the shaft so you can really, um, internalize the game.

Dream teams
Looking for great sports movies like “Knute Rockne, All American,” or “Pride of the Yankees?” That’s covered, too, with World Cup porn DVDs like “Shoot for the Goal” available from a French shop (with a promise of Un match hyper hard dans un monde sportif corrompu et perverti!), and “Dream Team Holland!” Judging from the cover box — always the most reliable way to know what’s inside — there are women, and there are soccer balls, and there are soccer jerseys that aren’t worn much. Bound to be a classic.

By the way, in case you’re not a fan of the Dutch, you can also choose from Dream Team Italia, Dream Team Deutschland and Dream Team Espana. Isn’t it great how sports brings people together?

The Women's Football Survival Kit contains a TV remote control jammer.

Of course, it can also drive people apart, especially husbands and wives and boyfriends and girlfriends. Actually, I know a few female soccer fans who are more rabid than most guys, but men do get carried away sometimes and neglect the women in their lives, especially during the World Cup, which has already run for two weeks and will run for a little over two weeks more.

So British sex shop Love Honey is offering the Women’s Football Survival Kit for L8.99. It contains red and yellow cards labeled with male sins, a whistle and a TV remote control jammer, which, if it actually works, may well be grounds for divorce.

Better, I think, to relieve your frustrations with Love Honey’s World Cup Victory Vibe, a small bullet vibrator decorated with the red English Cross of St. George. It’s L9.99. The store also sells Durex England Supporter World Cup Condoms which are, well, just a variety of condoms, but hey, labeling is everything.

Seoul South Korea Love hotels get a scrub

Seoul refurbishes its hooker havens to house World Cup soccer fans.

When visiting Seoul, South Korea, for the World Cup in 2002, soccer fans checking into their hotel rooms might smell the lingering odors of perfumed despair. They might discover a pair of stray handcuffs sex toy hanging in a closet. They might also notice that the bathroom contains a 10-gallon container of Vaseline. That's because government officials plan to use Seoul's notorious "love hotels" as legitimate tourist accommodations.

According to officials, the metropolitan area's 370 seedy love hotels -- traditionally used by hookers and those engaged in extramarital trysts -- will be transformed into "world inns" in preparation for the popular soccer championships. The next World Cup is the first to be held in Asia, and will be co-hosted by Japan and South Korea.

"Using the motels can help resolve the dire shortage of lodging facilities during the World Cup as well as find a good use for love hotels, which have become the source of moral headaches in the capital," a city official told the Korea Herald.

Authorities recently heard protests from civic groups and a young men's Christian association, asking the city to close the sleazy hot-sheet hovels located near residential districts where children live and play. To appease this crusade, the city intends to dispatch workers with hundreds of gallons of disinfectant and an arsenal of mops and sponges to clean up the hotels.

In addition to getting a good scrubbing, the hotels will be equipped with a modern booking system and translation services for foreigners. A new reservation system will connect the world inns to the 10 other Korean cities hosting World Cup soccer matches.

But if we can learn anything from history, an international sports championship held in a city of 11 million will always remain a magnet for prostitution and random consensual coitus. The room rates will just be higher than usual.

Ballack and Kahn - German Footballers are Dildos Sex Toy

German footballers Micheal Ballack and Oliver Kahn were today celebrating after being awarded 50.000 eauros each over claims that they resemble large dildo's.

A German sex toy company had produced World Cup vibrators named after the pair. The vibrators featured the footballers images and were a sell-out during the final.

Ballack commented, "I could understand if my name was Bollock, that would be fair game, but it's Ballack, I don't understand why they thought my face on a dildo would be a selling point."

The sex toy company concerned today apologised to both players for not consulting them before creating the popular playthings. A spokesman commented, "We did a poll on which players were most associated with Dildo's and they both came up time and time again."

The company will now switch to less controversial players for new Dildo ideas with the "Rooney" in production, described as a big, lumpy vibrator which is happy in any orifice and the "Beckham" which looks good but actually gives a crap performance.

The "Maradonna" was withdrawn after women complained that it was so useless they would rather just use their hands.