When you've been married for more than 15 years, you sort of lose touch with the dating scene. Or at least you should be out of touch with the dating scene.
If you're still dating after being married for 15 years, I know a couple of good divorce lawyers who would love to speak to you -- at $300 an hour.
Back in my dating years I, of course, considered myself pretty smooth -- but then again I have yet to meet a man who doesn't think he is.
My style was sincere, funny and respectful, which I hoped made me stand out from the other guys in the room who were crude, rude and grabby.
It turns out, I had it all wrong, at least according to a new survey conducted by a medical resident at Queen's University, Kingston.
Jonathan Huber surveyed 143 women in clubs between the ages of 18 and 28 about what works when a man is trying to get their attention at a bar.
While most women in the survey said they preferred a man introduce himself and start a conversation when they first meet, about 30% said "grinding" is an acceptable way to pick someone up.
"Grinding" is exactly what it sounds like -- a man introduces himself to a strange woman by coming up behind her on the dance floor and rubbing his pelvis against her.
In case you think this is a bit exaggerated, 84% of the women in the survey say this is how they have personally experienced new men introducing themselves.
And to think I wasted all that money on business cards.
Just in case you think this is a man thing somehow coded in our leftover male monkey DNA, a little less than half the women surveyed said they, too, first introduced themselves to men at a bar by rubbing a man's behind.
Back in the day, I do recall once having my butt pinched by a woman on a dance floor, but the contact was brief and to the point, and over so fast it left me wondering if I had imagined it.
Compared to grinding, a pinch now seems to almost qualify as witty conversation.
Another startling finding in the survey is 3.5% of the women asked said touching their breasts was an "acceptable alternative to hello".
Now, 3.5% is not very high, but if you're in a bar with 200 women, that means statistically somewhere there are seven of them who will let you shake more than their hands when you introduce yourself.
Of course, the secret is always figuring out which ones they are.
Is this just sour grapes from someone who has been thrown clear of the dating scene?
You bet.
Dating in what was considered the sexually liberated late '70s and early '80s is going to seem like going to a party to waltz to my grandchildren.
I can see that as a magical moment a modern couple's golden wedding anniversary celebration, as they tell the grandchildren how they first met: "Your grandfather, the old romantic, had just finished grinding his way down all the other women at the bar, but when he ground his pelvis into my behind, sparks flew and I knew it was something special. He never was much of a talker, but boy could he sneak up behind you on a crowded dance floor and start polishing the Captain's Quarters."
