Feeling Itchy in a sex toy party

well... I had a feeling this day would come, and sure enough.... it did today.

there has been scuttlebutt around the streets of Stepford, and most especially at the recent Bunco gatherings of someone hosting a toy party.

a sex toy party.

I just got my invitation this morning, and I have to tell you... the whole idea makes me feel itchy. ok, ok... I'm sure many (if not MOST) of you are wondering what the problem is with someone throwing one of those sex toy parties. To be completely honest... I don't find anything wrong with someone HAVING one of those parties... I just have major issues with the idea of ATTENDING one.


I mean.. let's face it.. I'm not single anymore... (not that I ever had sex before I got married, mom and dad....) and as much as I enjoy my neighbors... these ladies are NOT my girlfriends. I mean... I don't discuss my marital sex life with these women.. why in hell would I want to purchase an accessory for it in front of them???


I guess it goes back to my little barometer I have when it comes to friends. There's the kind of 'friends' that you would allow to see you without a bra, the kind that you let come bathing suit shopping with you, the kind you can get drunk in front of, the kind you talk about your husband with, and finally... the ultimate level of trust in friendship.... the kind you would go to vegas with.


so... being that only a few of them even qualify for the no-bra level, you can imagine my apprehension for browsing things I would use wearing LESS than my bra.

and of course... if I've said it before, I've said it 100 times. I have issues. my brain??? it's one of those things that just does NOT shut off. the visuals keep coming no matter WHAT I do to cover my eyes. Think that part of Fight Club when Tyler is splicing in pornographic images into kids' movies. it's as perverse as it is horrific. This is about as best I can do to describe the visuals my brain conjures when I think of knowing what toys my neighbors are buying for use with their husbands.

seriously... I've MET these women's husbands. and while there is no way I want to be thinking of the bunco girls themselves naked.... I SURE as hell don't want to picture them doing it with their husbands. then to add an element of kink??? my eyes burn just thinking about it.

so no. I do not think I will be attending the party thursday night. I'll be bleaching my skin that night.

Why Women Preferred A Man Grinding Behind Her?

When you've been married for more than 15 years, you sort of lose touch with the dating scene. Or at least you should be out of touch with the dating scene.

If you're still dating after being married for 15 years, I know a couple of good divorce lawyers who would love to speak to you -- at $300 an hour.

Back in my dating years I, of course, considered myself pretty smooth -- but then again I have yet to meet a man who doesn't think he is.

My style was sincere, funny and respectful, which I hoped made me stand out from the other guys in the room who were crude, rude and grabby.

It turns out, I had it all wrong, at least according to a new survey conducted by a medical resident at Queen's University, Kingston.

Jonathan Huber surveyed 143 women in clubs between the ages of 18 and 28 about what works when a man is trying to get their attention at a bar.

While most women in the survey said they preferred a man introduce himself and start a conversation when they first meet, about 30% said "grinding" is an acceptable way to pick someone up.

"Grinding" is exactly what it sounds like -- a man introduces himself to a strange woman by coming up behind her on the dance floor and rubbing his pelvis against her.

In case you think this is a bit exaggerated, 84% of the women in the survey say this is how they have personally experienced new men introducing themselves.

And to think I wasted all that money on business cards.

Just in case you think this is a man thing somehow coded in our leftover male monkey DNA, a little less than half the women surveyed said they, too, first introduced themselves to men at a bar by rubbing a man's behind.

Back in the day, I do recall once having my butt pinched by a woman on a dance floor, but the contact was brief and to the point, and over so fast it left me wondering if I had imagined it.

Compared to grinding, a pinch now seems to almost qualify as witty conversation.

Another startling finding in the survey is 3.5% of the women asked said touching their breasts was an "acceptable alternative to hello".

Now, 3.5% is not very high, but if you're in a bar with 200 women, that means statistically somewhere there are seven of them who will let you shake more than their hands when you introduce yourself.

Of course, the secret is always figuring out which ones they are.

Is this just sour grapes from someone who has been thrown clear of the dating scene?
You bet.

Dating in what was considered the sexually liberated late '70s and early '80s is going to seem like going to a party to waltz to my grandchildren.

I can see that as a magical moment a modern couple's golden wedding anniversary celebration, as they tell the grandchildren how they first met: "Your grandfather, the old romantic, had just finished grinding his way down all the other women at the bar, but when he ground his pelvis into my behind, sparks flew and I knew it was something special. He never was much of a talker, but boy could he sneak up behind you on a crowded dance floor and start polishing the Captain's Quarters."